SODDING PEOPLE

You've got the job, the car, leather seats, the girlfriend, the family, the social invites, the razor, satnav, corner sofa, wallet, suits, snowboard, boots, hats, tent, keyring torch, tupperware plus, holiday somewhere hot, holiday somewhere cold, the groom, a ring, a fuck-off church, personalised invites, placemats, a covers band with all the current hits, amy whinehouse ipod tracks, all-brunette bridesmaids, dresses to flatter the bride, a bentley, country hotel, spa to dip, family area for breakfast, electronic pictures slideshow, thank you lists, honeymoon trip, dollars, fake-tan, sugaring, new lips, matching nails, business trips, stripclubs, tits, girlfriend at home, loving texts, upgraded planes, dolly birds to lech at, taxi transfers, new hand luggage, matching case, a walllet for your passport, get a dog whilst your'e at it, and a flap in your new bespoke door, get a walker, a sticker in your window, on your car, put your baby on board, take a cruise, come back to pg tips... get a grip.

If you mention Eton all I think of is chips
If you say 'Yah' it makes me feel sick
I don't care for seeds and nuts and grains
I don't want a herbal green or an earl grey
Your voice makes me squirm and your smile even more
Your eyebrows are raised and your voice is so taut
There's nothing impressive in your blow-dried hair
Or being chauffered to your poor au pair
I'll work for you, darling, I'll make you your tea
But one thing I promise is this isn't me
I'll 'ooh' and I'll 'aahh' with the rest of your team
I'll stick around for payday and all your free creams
So maybe not now and maybe not soon
But one day posh lady you'll wish you'd been cool
Rather than judge me and assume that I'm thick
You'll see my potential and regret being a prick.